Asking Eric: Supervisor lied about sending letter of recommendation

Dear Eric: Several months ago, I saw a part-time position I wanted to apply for. I would also be able to keep a job I currently have if selected for the new position.
As part of the application process, I needed two references. I asked a current supervisor for one. I told her I would be able to keep working for her if chosen for the new position. She agreed to write the reference.
Roughly every two weeks in the time between her saying “yes” and the deadline, I would ask if she had any questions for me and/or had everything she needed to write the reference.
Then, a few weeks ago, and still ahead of the deadline, I asked for a copy of the reference so I could see what she thought my strengths and weaknesses were. She never acknowledged any of these emails. Now that the deadline for the position has passed, she has informed me that her reference may have gotten lost in cyberspace. I am feeling a wave of feelings and not sure of the right one to feel.
– Lost Reference
Dear Reference: I’m sorry this happened to you. There are plenty of explanations for what went wrong on your supervisor’s end, but I doubt any of them involve mysterious disappearances in cyberspace. That’s not really a thing. It sounds like she is either disorganized, flakey or didn’t actually feel comfortable writing a recommendation and didn’t want to tell you. All of these can make for a rocky working relationship going forward.
If you intend to keep working this job, it would be helpful to have a conversation about what she considers your strengths and opportunities without the reference hanging over the proceedings. Ideally, this would happen in a yearly or quarterly review setting, with another supervisor or Human Resources representative present.
If she secretly has reservations about the work you do, you should know about it so you can make informed decisions about your professional future. This could also be a good time to talk about communication styles and expectations as they relate to your job.
The initiative you took in getting the references and regularly checking in is commendable. You did everything right. The only thing I’d suggest for next time is to have a backup reference ready with enough time for them to jump in should your primary references not deliver.
Dear Eric: I have a sister who, from the time we were younger, hated me. Every chance she had she would work diligently to turn our parents against me – make up lies, complain that I embarrassed her and so on.
Our parents started their family late in life, so they were older and, as they put it, did not have the energy to correct her.
Now as we are older, she continues. We can get along for a week or two and then she gaslights. The latest was that I never paid her for dinners that she made when we came to visit. She had barbecue! We were transporting our parents to her town and back so they could visit. She invited us! I offered to bring food; she did not want anything. So, it’s not about the payment – everyone is financially stable. It’s a means to be mean.
After this happens, I react, block her and then we do not speak for months. I am not sure if I should just be done completely, or what? I have offered for us to go to therapy in the past, she, of course, says that it’s me. She will not go. What are your thoughts?
– Sisterly Strife
Dear Sisterly: Some things can be chalked up to that oldest of stories – sibling animus. But I think there’s something else going on here. Given that this aggressive behavior seems, by your telling, to be entirely one-directional – her to you – and given that she refuses to work on these issues with you, she seems to thrive in the conflict. Maybe it’s her personality, maybe it’s a more serious psychological or emotional issue. Without input from a trained professional, which she has refused, one can’t diagnose.
The only thing you have control over here is your own peace. So, decide what kind of relationship is tolerable for you. And think about the relationship in terms of the sister that you have, not the sister who could be. It sounds like putting more consistent distance between the two of you will help everyone.
From your telling, you’ve gone around and around trying to work this out, so I don’t see the use of having a big separation conversation. Maybe you only need to communicate about your parents or check in through holiday cards and nothing else. Setting a new boundary will keep you from getting drawn back into the drama.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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